New Well/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots, glass shatters ] harold: You've probably seen a lot of things, and, anyway, that's probably none of my business. But I bet you've never seen a television show like this one. That's because there's never been a television show like this one. Well, let's hope that's because no one's ever thought of it rather than, like, simply they dismissed the whole concept. Oh, oh, you know what would be worse? They tried it and no one like it. [ speaks indistinctly ] oh, anyway, here's the star of "the red green show," and, incidentally, my uncle, red green! Thank you very much. Uh, welcome to the show. And, uh, of course, a special hello to our group of shut-ins, uh, at leavenworth. Uh, good luck with the parole board. And, uh, speaking of parole boards, come on in here a minute, harold. Harold is the producer and director of the show, and, uh, also he has this, uh, fancy machine here that enables him to move into other segments of the show and kind of keep the pace up if, you know, it's getting a bit draggy or slow or what have you. Give us a little demo on that unit there, would you, harold? Oh, sure. No sweat. [ keyboard clacking ] oh, harold, I said just a demo. I'm supposed to tell my well-digging story. Well, let's hope the audience can curb their disappointment. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ when life gets you down and you can't wait to die ♪ ♪ when the slightest contusion brings a tear to your eye ♪ ♪ here's what I do when things go wrong ♪ ♪ I go on my own tv show and sing a song ♪ ♪ oh, well, at least I'm not a mole ♪ ♪ a mole ♪ ♪ thank goodness ♪ ♪ oh, well ♪ ♪ well ♪ ♪ at least I'm not a mole ♪ ♪ oh ♪ ♪ either kind ♪ ♪ but one, I'm in a hole, completely blind ♪ ♪ with the other, I'm a blemish on someone's behind ♪ ♪ so put a smile on that long, long face ♪ ♪ un-unless you're a mole ♪ ♪ in which case, I apologize for this insensitive song ♪ uh, okay, uh, this week on "handyman corner," uh, we're gonna show you about some of the injuries that can happen with boating. Now, you got to be careful. Uh, you got to wear a hard hat when you're -- you're fighting dinghies, you know, or you got to be careful tobogganing in canoes and stuff. Of course, up at the lodge now, uh, you can get injured just straddling a boat. We get a lot of straddling injuries, uh, up there. But, uh, one of the things that people don't talk about all that much is, uh -- is a kind of injury you get when you're winching a large boat out of the water. So I thought I'd just show you today on "the handyman --" let's just pretend now that this is the lake. Uh, it's the same color as the lake. And we'll pretend that this canoe here is a large boat. First thing you do is you find the bow of the boat, which is the front. They call it the bow. I don't know why. But there'll be a ring there. No, that's -- all right. All right, this is -- this is the bow here. And see the ring? You know, that's, uh -- that's the trouble with canoes. They -- they look the same way from both ends. I had an aunt like that. This is our trailer. And, uh, what it's got up here is this is called the tongue. Um, I don't know why. You know, it's slippery. It's underwater most of the time, maybe. Maybe that's it. I don't know. But -- and this is what I wanted to talk to you about. This is, uh -- this is called a winch. This is how we get the, uh -- the boat up on the trailer, but there's a lot of work involved, and it's very dangerous because the thing can break or it can hurt your arm or you can just get bored. So I've got a better way, a different way to get that -- that boat up on the trailer. All right, what I've done is installed a 1-ton power winch into the front seat of the van. Uh, it's an attractive installation, I think. Uh, but the important thing here is it's wired into the alternator of the van and very, very safe here. A long way from the action back there, and there's no effort involved. This is a control box. You push the button, and you winch the boat up there just as safe and sound as you please. [ motor whirring ] [ metal screeching ] hello. Well, uh, of course, none of this would have happened if I'd had a spotter. Anyway, uh, remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Harold! We'll be right back with, uh, more of the well-digging adventure for those of you who enjoy my stories. Oh, I didn't know your wife was watching. Hi, aunt bernice. "it is autumn. "500 geese are flying south "in a giant wedge formation like a huge piece of pizza, "shades of mushroom and pepperoni and anchovies. "and as they travel, they drop the toppings that they don't like." well, as I, uh, never got a chance to mention earlier, uh, big old problem with the well up at the lodge yesterday is she wasn't pumping any water, and, uh, rather than have to go down there and, uh, fix the washer on the foot valve, uh, we figured it'd be easier to just dig another well. We were gonna do it by hand, but then we found the shovel. We got, uh, stinky peterson to dig the well 'cause he's the skinniest, and that way there'd be a lot less of a hole to work on. You know what I mean? Make it easier on everybody. Stinky had problems, he and the lodge, but he's like that. So we did what the -- what the professional work crews do. We just kind of sat in a ring around stinky and watched him work. He seemed to enjoy the encouragement and it gave him something to throw the dirt at. Uncle red, uncle red, this is such, like, a great story, right? You know what I suggest, is that we come back to it later. That way, the viewer won't turn us off as soon as you're finished or, even worse, before you're finished, right? So let's just roll to another segment. [ keyboard clacking ] uh, no thanks, harold. I'd rather just kind of carry on with the story now. Wa-a-a! That's a good one. [ chuckles ] bob! Oh, hi, red. Good to see you. Yeah, I figured you'd be out here, you know, out on the fairway. Oh, another day, another dollar, you know? That's not the green fee, is it? No, no, red. No, I'm working for the department today. Um...Studying cloud patterns, you know. See those stratonimbulus over there? That's a high pressure moving in. Yeah, well, anyway, uh, bob, we're thinking about putting indoor plumbing into the lodge, and, uh, we got to put a septic, uh, thing. We got the form here, and there's a lot of paperwork to it, and I thought, you know, since you're a member and you belong to the department of natural resources, I thought maybe you could help me out with this. Well, uh, I don't know, red. You know, I'm not really, uh... Into the old septic-tank approval thing, you know. Oh, thanks. No, my department is, uh, wildlife and folia-- fol-- fol-- well, you know what I'm saying. Yeah. And weather, too, I guess. Hmm? Weather? Oh, yeah, weather. Weather stuff, yeah, as you say. And golf, I guess. And golf? Yeah. No, no, no, no. Not golf. I do that just for fun. Yeah, I'm out here now and then. Well, it's, uh, about seven days a week, I think. Well, I don't know about that. No, uh, not seven days. There's some days I come out here I don't play. What day? February 30th, I think. Hmm. Whoa, hey, see over there, red? Storm clouds brewing over the ninth hole. Hey, what do you say you and I play over to the ninth hole, a couple of rounds, see if there's a storm brewing or something? No, I can't do that, bob. Uh, I've already rented the backhoe and, you know, waiting to put the septic in, and it's actually costing me money just standing here talking to you right now. Well, 9 holes, 50 minutes. Well, I don't have 50 minutes, bob. I don't even have any clubs. Well, I have two sets of clubs right here. Yeah. Two sets of clubs, bag of balls, bag of tees, mickey of booze -- complete golf set. Well, maybe some other time, bob. Yeah. Yeah, sure, red. Yeah, always some other time. Do we have a little time to do this here? [ chuckles ] yep. Fore! Oh! Look at that! Too much top spin! I can't even play that! So, uh, what about this form, uh, bob? Can you -- can you help me out with the form at all? Oh, right. Yeah. Look at that. Well, red, this is pretty complicated, you know. Oh, yeah, I know, that's why I... Well, this will take me about -- about 50 minutes. Oh, yeah, and with pulling those two golf clubs around and the weather report I've got to fill out, well, it might take me all day. I got an idea here. Hmm? Maybe it is a great day for golf, huh? It sure is, red! [ both laugh ] that's wonderful! The department of natural resources is really gonna appreciate this. Look, tell you what -- let's not count that one, huh? Hey, you're right. You just go ahead. I'll hang on to that. Yeah, you hang on to that. We'll do this, though, right? Oh, yeah, we'll get to that. Don't worry about that at all. No, sir. Okay, watch the top spin, eh? Top spin, yeah, got to watch that. Keep my head down! Yeah. That's the key, you know. Yeah. Ah, you're gonna have a good time. I'll show you what I know, too, red. All right. 50 minutes, huh? Yeah, 50 minutes. Fore! Oh, darn! [ water splashes ] oh, look at that. I mean, that's no better than that one. Well, you know, I think you may have overcleaned that ball. I think you're right. That's probably it. Yeah. I'm gonna give her a go here. I just clean those balls way too much sometimes, you know? Yeah. Keep your head down. Yeah, you might want to keep yours down, too, there, bob. Oh, yeah, right. Well, look at that. That's very nice, red. Very, very nice. Oh, bob, it hit that little flagpole on the green. Is there a penalty for that? No, we'll bend the rules just a little bit, uh, red. All right. All right. Oh, my goodness. Looks like it's gonna rain. Might have to cut the game short, you know. Well, whatever. Uh, my leg's acting up, too. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ if I have a big important job to do ♪ ♪ the kind of job I'd rather not do ♪ ♪ I have a little trick, and I'll teach it to you ♪ ♪ to make the job go boppity-boo, walk away ♪ ♪ walk away ♪ ♪ leave the damn job for another day ♪ ♪ cut yourself some slack ♪ ♪ have a cold one, have a nap ♪ ♪ any job that's urgent will be there when you get back ♪ ♪ just tell your boss you're not sufficiently motivated ♪ ♪ to accept this particular challenge ♪ ♪ anyway, if it was a good job ♪ ♪ there wouldn't be any work connected to it, would there? ♪ [ film projector clicking ] ugh! Red: Can always tell, uh, when bill drops by, because you're usually in a lot of pain. You always hurt the one you love, and bill must be crazy about me. Anyway, what happened was his rope was hooked on a tree there. What he was gonna show us today was, uh, something about traps and snares and everything. He had -- this is, uh, actually, an official trap. I think this is for raccoons or whatever. You open the one end and then I think the animal goes in, and then when he goes in -- but bill is gonna show you how you could make your own traps. First of all, he's looking for tracks of animals. Oh, he found something. Yep, yep, animals have been here. So this is a good place, uh, to build a trap. Now he sticks, uh, three little sticks in the ground, and then he wraps this little line around them. I don't know whether this is maybe to hook onto their leg or -- I wasn't quite sure. He didn't explain. Didn't tie that knot real well, either. And then, uh, he pulls this down, and -- ugh! All right, well, what he needs is a tree that maybe has a little more -- a little more spring to it than that. And I guess -- well, I guess he did find one. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So, uh, he pulls this tree down. We're gonna use this, and this is gonna be like the spring to make the -- and this thing really -- they have a lot of pull to them and took the both of us with both hands going, and then he wanted me to tie the rope on, but, you know, to tie the rope on, I had to let go of the branch, which meant I wasn't holding the branch down, and then it was just -- whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh! [ whimpers ] so, uh, I thought maybe he wanted to use this tree now. We'll never get that one bent down. But, no, he had -- no, he had something -- gonna try something else. Gonna try something else. Yeah. Yeah. Now, this one was really something. He, uh, put a little knife in there. And that, uh, becomes, I believe they call it the fulcrum. And then he hooked that onto a little, uh, twig, or maybe there was a nail in that tree from some sort of a previous party we'd had, and then up to, uh, I think he called that the trigger. I was getting a little confused at this point. He had a loop tied in the rope. Then he got me to pick up this log. I believe it weighed 250 pounds or so 'cause it was full of water and stuff. And now, uh, bill went down to hook up the leg part. Now, I was trying to figure out how this would work, you know. I guess the idea is that the animal's supposed to trigger, and that log -- I couldn't figure out how the log would do it, fall, but -- ugh! It worked. So then what he wanted to do was -- this one I thought was really terrific. He knocked off all the little branches and twigs on this branch that was sticking out, and then what he did was, he took his -- he took his knife, which is a pretty -- pretty serious instrument there, and he tied that around, uh, the end of the branch, and he tied her on pretty good. Maybe not quite as good as -- as maybe he should have, but, um, he had that on there. And then what he does is he -- he backs that up, and, again, the spring in these trees -- unbelievably green tree, and a lot of force there. He was trying to hook it onto something, and, you know, with his foot and then he slipped. Look out, look out, look out. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I wasn't real happy with that, so, uh, I decided to make kind of a trap all of my own. I, uh, asked bill just to stand there, uh, by the tree and kind of look like bait. And then, uh, I would -- this is kind of the maple style of animal trap. And, uh, the beauty of this is you don't have to come back and check it. See you later, bill. "it is winter. "toes are numb from the cold, like a family of ice cubes "shivering beside their big, fat mother. "frozen toes screaming in quiet pain, "but no matter how sore they get, I'm not putting them in my mouth." well, harold, I guess by now you've discovered girls, huh? No, I didn't discover them. They've been around a long time before me. No, I mean you're starting to get interested in girls. Oh, yeah. Wa-a-a! That's putting it mildly. I'm swimming in hormones. I'm swimming in them, uncle red! I'm drowning in them, and I don't even know what to do. Wear a snorkel. What do you mean? I'm not really sure. But don't worry about it, harold. You know, there's gonna come a time pretty soon when, uh, you're gonna realize there's a lot more to life that thinking about sex. Oh, good. When does that time come, uncle red? Well, uh, I'm -- I'm told it's just in those few minutes before you die. No one really knows. I'll be right back to end the well-digging saga. And I'll be here to protect your interests. Rest easy, compadres. Wa-a-a! Uh, we're out here with -- with my good buddy, uh, dougie franklin and, uh, what has to be one of the largest four-wheel vehicles in this country, I believe. Well, that means a lot coming from you, red. It really does. I appreciate that. But, you know, she's more than a truck to me. She's a -- she's a wife. She's a wife and kids. A wife, kids, and family, as well as a job. She's a wife, kids, family, a job, and friends. This is my friend. This truck's my life. I couldn't help but notice that you called her "she," doug. Uh, why is that? Well, actually, uh, red, that's, uh -- that'd be one of your old navy type of terms. And, uh, I was in the navy there for about, uh -- well, it wasn't really the navy. It was the naval reserve. I was in there for about, uh, three weeks. Well, it was two and a half. I just rounded her off some. Anyway, I'm thinking on changing the oil right about now if you want to stick around. I saw you had the -- I saw you had the hood off. Yep. Yeah, I did. Well, you got to do that to change the oil. Well, if you could, uh, just help give me a boost up there, I'm not as agile as I used to be. Just, uh, hold your hand like that, and I'll just use that as like a stepping thing. And here you go. Just wipe your hands off. Don't want to grind anything into her. Okay, you ready? [ grunting ] yeah, you got her? Boy, you been working out there, red? Okay. Now, let's just have a look. She, uh -- she burn a lot of oil there, dougie? Well, red, uh, no, but, you know, she leaks a bit. Found that out the other night when I slept under her. Do you get a lot of nosebleeds being up that high there, doug? You're up there! [ laughs ] no, I don't. Why would you ask that? Look, do you want to pass me that oil can? I'm looking here, and I think she's down a bit. She's got a bit of a thirst on her. All right, gonna top her off, huh? Yes, sir. You know, to stay on top of this, it's a full-time job. Keep her in a1 condition. It's like them fellers you see that paint that golden gate bridge. You know, they're no sooner done painting her and they got to start all over again, you know? But, oh, that last big earthquake, she's still standing, so you understand what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay, we're just gonna top her off. All right. Fill her up there. You got to be careful. You know, you get oil on here, and before you know it, you got a fire. Which is what we got in casterville there that one time. Yeah, I-I read about that. Well, doug, hey, best luck to you, and, gosh, she's looking great here. Yeah. No doubt about it. She is looking good. Looking real good. Looking real good. All right, that's, uh -- that's dougie franklin and his big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big truck. You go a name for her, uh, dougie? Yeah, we call her imelda. Imelda. God, that's perfect, isn't it? All right, harold, make me sick. Well, poor old stinky was out there digging the well, just digging and digging and digging a long time. I mean, he cut through hydro lines. He cut through gas lines. And he came up with a rock there that was about the size of moose thompson's head and about the same weight and very similar in complexion. And, uh, then after about 12 hours, he says he thought he was gonna strike water at any moment, which is a real dumb thing to say around men who've been drinking beer all day. [ clears throat ] luckily, their aim was off. But, uh, around 3:00 in the morning, I guess it was, uh, stinky finally hit water. But when we shone the flashlight down, what had happened was that he'd gone so far off course that he had gone into the old well shaft, so we just threw down a replacement washer, and he fixed the foot valve, and everything was perfect, so it worked out great, but stinky wasn't all that pleased, but, you know, he has that logic problem thing. Anyway, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home, but the bridge is out on the number two side road, so I may be a little bit later 'cause I have to take the expressway. Anyway, thanks again for watching, and on behalf of myself and, uh, harold and the whole gang up here at the lodge, uh, until next time, keep your stick on the ice.